The Girlfriend Slice Bypass

FACTS CONSIDERED

The defendant took the last slice from a shared group order and handed it to his girlfriend without offering it to the table or allowing five seconds for objections.

RULING

VIOLATION. The Final Slice Rule requires a man to offer the last slice to the group and allow five honest seconds for objections before taking it. Handing it to a girlfriend is not an objection; it is a bypass. The Court of Man Law has spoken.

REMEDY

Buy the next round of drinks, stand in the center of the room, and recite the five-second count-aloud while holding the pizza box lid open like a shield, explaining to the table that love does not suspend the right to pepperoni.